7.16.2010

SPOTLIGHT: 10 Titty-Twisting Tunnel Bangers

That was one mean mama.

So at this point, I believe I have firmly cemented my reputation to our small yet fiercely apathetic readership as a fan of up-tempo compositions meant for the evening, or bangers. That is an understatement.

To me, when a beat drops, it should land on you like Hulk Hogan doing a knee drop. It should leave you on the floor, twitching and gasping for air. So when my spiritual guide and co-writer Dylan told me about tunnel bangers, I felt like I had just completed a hajj to Mecca. I had never been there before or seen it, and yet I had. I knew these songs were out there, but I had no way of categorizing these songs–until now.

First, a definition is in order. A tunnel banger is a song that, if it comes on at a club, you lock eyes with someone else. If you are dancing with a girl who does not know the song, you drop her like you dropped sleeping with a teddy bear in 5th grade when your boys found out. You and your boys congregate in the middle of a dance floor with speed, and commence to screaming the lyrics and stomping around in some sort of primal scream of testosterone. Someone will get hurt by accident during the tunnel banger.

(Note: I did not mention close female friends who also partake in the tunnel banger. This is because once the TB comes on, if they know the song, then they are part of your boys. It's just how it is, and if they are offended by you calling them your boy, they are not your boy).

Tunnel bangers are not cute. They are not smooth. Nobody is attractive in the videos. R. Kelly does not make them. The only singing in them must be off-key (see #7 on the list). "Big Pimpin' " is a banger. "Brooklyn's Finest" is a tunnel banger. "Big Poppa" is a banger. "Party and Bullshit" is a tunnel banger. Big Boi can make tunnel bangers. Andre 3000 cannot. They are stupid, macho ways for men to posture–is what the haters say. Don't listen. These are some of my favorites in no particular order:

I think I punched someone in the face once when this came on at a party. The only tunnel banger you need.

Lil' Jon would make this a tunnel banger by himself, but Ice Cube fucking nails this. You a scared motherfucker?

Not only does Banner make bangers, but "(Who I be?) Rubberband Man/Wild as the Taliban/Nine in my right/45 in the other hand" are the greatest four opening bars I've ever heard in a hip-hop song. Tell me if there's better, because I don't think so.

His mother gave him permission to knock some dude out. What on earth did that guy do? My mama wouldn't let me knock out Goebbels. Whoever you are, you fucked up.

They really aren't. Not at all.

This TB features one of the key components of the genre: when the beat cuts out, any line that follows is really fun to scream. "Half a mil for bail cause I'm african". "I'm from the hood stupid/ What types of facts are those". "Cause I'm young and I'm black and my hat's real low/ Well, do I look like a mind-reader sir? I don't know". I could go on.

Is it a true tunnel banger? Who knows, but if you don't sing along with this chorus, you should not belong to the human race.

See #6. "Nigga, you don't got to explain shit/I've been robbing motherfuckers since the slave ships." Need I say more?

"Psycho KILLA, NORMAN BATES." God, he was before his time.

Not the best-known N.W.A. tunnel banger (that honor belongs to "Fuck Tha Police") but Cube is so thug. "Do I look like a motherfuckin' role model?" Nope.

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